Feb. 16, 2012 at 12:44am with 1 note
his
Almost a year.

Today I was on a break from class and went to get a fruit cup from the coffee place in Holmes. On the way back, I saw him. I think it was March, another Wednesday, when I saw him last. I expected it last semester walking on the board walk to and from class, but never did. I figured this semester was safe. We’re almost half way through but there he was. I’ll graduate at the end of April, move to Texas, and then never again. I still can’t quite wrap my head around not knowing him. 

All I could think for the next half of the class was, I can’t forget the way you laugh.

I thought I was okay. I guess I am okay. It isn’t like I wonder what kind of flowers he gets his girlfriend. I don’t really think of him. It has been over a year since I went to his facebook. I can have conversations about high school and be calm. But my heart raced, and I got this pit in my stomach as I walked past him. I couldn’t look at him directly. I feel like I am going to perpetual miss everything until I have a replacement. I don’t know how he really is anymore, so maybe it isn’t missing him. But he formed such a large part of me. He’s still my definition of love. I just miss the potentiality. I miss a mass of cells that if they attached in a safer spot, or at another time, maybe it would be different. Cells and bad timing. That’s all it is. That is all it ever is.

I’m reminded of Bon Iver’s Skinny Love, specifically a quote that has been reblogged throughout tumblr. That’s what it was, skinny love. I was so screwed up. We both needed something. I believe there is a difference between wanting to be loved, and needing to be loved. We needed it then. That just something that doesn’t last. I keep thinking perhaps one day he’ll miss me enough, have the guts to call, and we’ll try. We won’t be those messed up teenagers needing it, but rather wanting it, working, loving. Is it pathetic that I would say yes? That I am still that 17 year old girl sitting outside Books A Million saying, “Should I wait?” without hesitation. I’m not actively sad or attached. I just define myself so much by this one person. It’s silly, really.

I feel funny thinking about this, and it will pass. It was almost a year, and soon enough it will be really a year. Then more years, and all these small details will fade.

  1. tendercuriosities posted this